Poems by Harry Edwards

Sheepskin Rug is as soft as a hug
And hopelessly in love with the neighbourhood pug.
She finds his faint wheezing incredibly pleasing,
And his four legs remind her of the ones she used to have.

Oh look! A tangerine
Sitting in the fruit bowl.
Larger than a clementine
And smaller than an orange.

Wowee! A tangerine
Rolling down the staircase,
Looking like a bowling bowl
Rolling down a staircase.

Fucking hell, a tangerine
Pointing its gun at a bank clerk.
It's actually just a very tanned man,
I mustn't keep forgetting my glasses.

There in the corner sits District Line Train Car
Drinking his sorrows away at the bar
He dreamed of becoming a New York financier
With a big golden Rolex on his bright yellow handrails

On his fifth whiskey is District Line Train Car
Hand on his Temple where his front doors don't open
Trying to pinpoint the relevant crossroads
That sealed his fate to a life Underground

On his way home now is District Line Train Car
Trying to head eastbound but going in Circles
Telling passersby that he used to be a banker
Getting looks and eyerolls from the ones who think he's Barking

I met a truly giant lad
In a service station near Manchester
I told him where I'd been an undergrad
But he seemed a little bit skeptical

He was a hundred times the size of me
And I met him again around Hertfordshire
He seemed a little confused, I thought,
When I told him about my PhD

Another time, before I'd uttered a Hello
He accosted me aggressively at a college ball
And I wanted to explain I was newly made Fellow
But he was so very angry, I pretended not to know him

I met a man the size of my thumb
With a feathery hat and a sideways smile
And he said he was a Trinity Dublin alum
And I told him I didn’t believe him one bit

I met the thumb-sized man twice more
Once halfway between Bedford and Welwyn Garden City
And he told me he’d attended Queen Mary’s Belfast
And I told him that’s not what he told me before

I met a man about one inch tall
Who consistently fibbed about his tertiary education
And when I met him at the Uni of Limerick ball
He said he’d never met a giant man like me in his life

I applied for a job with an advert that read:

• We’re seeking an applicant with a positive head
• Who is chipper and cheerful, of bright disposition
• Who preferably also has been an optician
• The candidate must have a brightside perspective
• (And a background in eye-tests, if we’re getting selective)
• We value your outlook more than your diploma
• Though we do require someone who can sort out glaucoma

When I was working my first retail job

I attended a man and his husky

He said “this little furball’s Mahogany Tim

And my name is Corporal McClusky”

I helped them in finding the cereal aisle

And showed them the variety of muesli

I leant down to pet Mahogany Tim

But to my great surprise he refused me

“Mahogany Tim is a wooden recluse”

Said the Corporal with a sigh

“He’s cursed with an extrovert’s fluffy white mane

But with non-army people he’s shy”

But then the good corporal went on to imply

That a handful of Muesli brings Tim out his shell

So I opened the pack that the Corporal had picked

And let’s just say that fluffball was fluffy as hell

They left without purchasing the rest of the bag

And I realised the whole happenstance was a ploy

But I didn’t mind, it was only a job

And Mahogany Tim was a very good boy

Pistachio Nut is small and green
And dreams of being an ombudsman
He’s mild and subtle and buttery smooth
Which he thinks would be welcomed by disgruntled complainants

His teachers inform him he’ll need better grades
And to stop being quite so naive and insane
“An ombudsman is always level-headed and sensible
You’re destined to be snack food at an upper class party”

Pistachio Nut is worried that he
Will always be green and a little bit nutty
But why must pistachios all be the same?
And what qualifications does an ombudsman need?

Bees

Jellyfish

Englishmen in New York

Ptolemy the monkey

Was always feeling funky

He did not like the produce

At his local Italian deli

Ptolemy the monkey

Was a charcuterie junkie

But the ham the local deli sold

Was foul tasting and smelly